Posts Tagged ‘viz.’

Old Clarks’ Glossary of Surfing

Image: Chris Slater riding the wave at Compton with Dougie Saunders in the line up. The image has no relation to the below article.

Old Clarks’ Glossary of Surf – taken from Wight Water Magazine 1981

Being an Authoritive Guide to an Old Sport and New Pastime, in Alphabetical Order and Fully Cross-Referenced. Essential to Gremmie and Old Salt alike. First Pub. at Hulverstone 1981. Compiled by JW and RA Clark.

A

Awful Tea. Brewed by the National Suss (q.v.) since AM 1979 (After Munt q.v.)

B

Burt’s – often used in cases of depression (q.v.) or packs of six, but works better as a laxative.

Bogs – (at Compton), locked in winter, full up in summer.

C

Cretin. Species of lunatic, (see Grockle)

D

Dumper truck, suitable for removing burnt out remains of Surf Club Huts

E

Ephriam Prenderghast; obscure missionary and collector of Hymenoptera, sent to the Pacific Islands in 1850 to convert natives. Last seen ripping six foot tubes and lying on the beach surrounded by dusky maidens. Coined the phrase ‘far out’. (q.v.)

F

Flat; no surf (see summertime)

Far Out! – uncertain meaning, perhaps applied to low tide (q.v.)

G

Grockle; much suffered complaint of NW Frontier, viz., pain in the Khyber Pass

H

High Tide – alcoholic soap powder.

I

Isobars; Lines on a map connecting pubs at the same height above sea level.

J

Join – the Isle of Wight Surf Club!

K

Kelp; Health food, manure and an unholy stinking fly-ridden beach on a hot day.

L

Low Tide – Little soap powder left.

Laxative; The Bay at 10 feet.

M

Mortgage; essential for buying a new surfboard.

Munt, Mr. Friendly local capitalist, now retired.

N

National Suss. Brewers of Awful Tea

O

Ocean. Large Volume of oxidised hydrogen containing dissolved salts, and other people’s rubbish. Causes many problems, mostly by not coming across with the necessary.

P

Polysiphonia Elongata – does not mean ‘many long drawn-out tubes’ but does mean you can get very tangled up whilst surfing (see Kelp).

Q

Queen. What the hell’s she got to do with it?

R

Rubber Suit; protective device.

S

Summertime. Period of year given over to flatness (q.v.) Grockles (q.v.), and fickle sunshine.

Surfboard; expensive implement of self-torture often connected with Rubber Suits (q.v.)

Surf; inferior soap powder.

Sand; ingrdient of beach lunches, tea and canned beer. Occurs naturally in shoes and socks; used as a floor covering during Summer (q.v.) in VW Micro-buses (q.v.) and French bordellos.

T

Ten; Hang Ten. Pointless excersise popular in the 1960’s now almost impossible of boards of current length.

U

Underpants. Essential element incorporated in the Davy Lamp Principle as described in Sid Dipman’s ‘Varp Lightning’, previously published in a back number of Wight Water, and abstracted from the greater work ‘Things to do on Flatulent Days’.

V

VW Microbuses; for transportation of picks, shovels, surfboards and other implements of destruction.

W

Wistful, waiting, watching, weather map and Winter – (c.f. Summertime), period of year given over to Rubber Suits (q.v.)

X

Xenoiphobia; pathological dislike of foreigners (see Grockle).

Y

Yesterday (overworked word).

Z

Zone

Sub-littoral surfing area
O – you can smell it at low tide (q.v.)
Disaster; Swimming Area
Forbidden; Good Surfing Area
No Parking; Right next to the Good Surfing Area
Erogenous; After-Surf entertainment
Inter-tidal; Rubbish tip
War; Surfing Area

Zombie; soulless corpse given the appearance of life by witchcraft (see Grockle)

THE END (See Grockle)

(slightly edited to protect the innocent)